TWO-SIX!!!

Hey, it’s me! Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile! (Said in a high pitch voice like the Youtube vloggers do). It’s been awhile yet it feels like no time has passed at all since my last post. But a lot has happened. The last few months I was gearing up for my big project. So my company is about partnering with smallholder farmers such that they provide their land and labor and we provide everything else they need to plant trees (training, seedlings, water barrel, access to timber market). They need to plant before the long rains which starts in April. My big project, even though I am in the Expansion dept, was to help the Field Ops department where I managed the inventory management, logistics, and fleet management for Tree Deliveries LR2018 (Long Rains 2018). This year we partnered with about 5000 farmers all along the Kenyan coast (Kilifi and Kwale) and I had to make sure each farmer got the right thing, and everything that left our facilities in transit to the farmer delivery sites were accounted for. I had to determine what needs to go on a truck, what needs to come off the truck, and where that truck needs to go. Since we're a small company, we didn't have a 3rd party Fleet Management information system so it was me and a whole bunch of google sheets. Did I mention supply chain was like my worst subject in school?

My boss was like how are you doing? I told him: I’m closing my eyes and sprinting as hard as I can. So that was March and April: me just having no idea what’s going on and hoping it all worked out in the end. (It did….I think. I mean I still have a job..so far.)

Before that and even during that, now I’m taking this moment and safe space (hehe) to be honest in my self-awareness and practice mindfulness blah blah, I was still adjusting to my life here in Kenya. It’s still surreal to me every day that I am here, miles kilometers away from another version of my life. Am I doing a good thing here for the farmers here? Is the company I’m working for doing a good thing (an often raised question in the social enterprise industry...at least that’s what I’ve heard)? Am I even good at what I’m doing? What’s next if I’m not good at this? What’s next if I’m not doing a good thing? What’s next for me if the company isn’t doing a good thing? So a lot of internal questioning and uncertainty within myself. Outside of that though, I adore my colleagues, they have been huge in my ‘transitioning’ experience. We call each other our ‘support group’. I know I’ve already said this, but each of them have such cool backgrounds and are destined for great things. My boss is also amazing. I am so lucky to have him. I’ve started introducing him to other people as my ‘life coach’. He seems to be ok with it.. I’m not sure cause I haven’t asked how he felt about it.

I think in this generation of social media, people see these one second snapshots of a happy exciting life and feel pressured to have those moments all the time. Which is just unrealistic and unhealthy. So in the spirit of writing about the good, I want to write about the down times. Yes, I'm having the time of my life here, but it's not all candid laughing over here.

Now, most who know me, know that even though I sometimes don’t know what’s going on in my life, I have some sense of direction or an idea of where I want to go. And even if I don’t know what I want to do, I’m generally ok with that cause it works out in the end mostly. At least, that’s what I choose to believe. I have a healthy sense of self because I have the most amazing supportive family and friends to keep me grounded so I can recenter myself during those moments if I get a little lost.

With the new environment, new people, new experiences, I wasn’t taking the time to check in on myself. I was learning new things about myself: how I would react in a particular situation versus how I actually react. It's not a good or bad thing, but it's taking the time to digest this - like "Oh, I didn't think I would do that, but I did. What kind of person does that make me?" But I wasn't taking the time, mainly because I didn't want to to answer that question. Normally, I’m big on reflection and self-awareness...almost to the point of hyper-self-awareness (i.e blogging and having “Alexia Time”). It was a habit/muscle I grew in college when I traveled solo in Vietnam and also through my leadership cohort experience with Buckeye Leadership Fellows (shout out to BLF LOVE!! I’ve mentioned BLF before in this blog so let that be a testament to how even 4 years after I graduated (4?!!?!) the impact it had) where we had to write about our take-aways from a particular experience or projects.

These moments of uncertainty I had, I wasn’t dealing with it the right way and pushing it away. I wasn’t used to feeling this unsure of myself which just made it worse and manifested into a feeling of insecurity. Now, I don’t think I’ve ever felt insecure about anything...at least insecure about myself personally. Of course I’m insecure about other things on behalf of people I care about, but about who I am or what will happen to me? Not really. Mainly because I don’t care what other people think and with a general free-spirit attitude that with hard work and determination, things will work out in time. I’ve always had a healthy self esteem (thanks again to strong group of family and friends) so this level of trying to figure out who I am in this new place, new experiences and new people on top of being unsure of who I am becoming in the midst of all this can be overwhelming. Especially since I was avoiding taking the time to give myself space to breathe and reflect. It was like I lost a grip on who I am/was and needed to recalibrate my life - gain footing on solid ground again. I was aware of this, but still was avoiding confronting it or taking the time to cut the silence from the noise. Healthy, right??

Anyway, I don’t know if my boss/life-coach got a sense of this or he just wanted to get away himself (I’d like to think he did it for me hehe but probably he just wanted an excuse for a trip), but he strongly suggested that we leave the coast and get away for my birthday weekend. So we went to Nairobi and Nanyuki (3 hour drive from Nairobi). I’ve spent the majority of my time in Kenya so far on the coast so even though I was acting chill (I don’t like making a big fuss for things - especially my birthday cause key to life is low expectations right?) I was low-key excited. Oh man, we got an airbnb on this conservancy property so there were antelopes, zebras, warthogs in the backyard!! It was nice to get away from the coast awhile and have Mt. Kenya in the view of your bedroom window. I touched and fed a rhino!

New air and new perspective from all the noise on the coast, plus the birthday wishes; it was honestly a weekend of feeling incredibly lucky and blessed and loved. Honestly, how lucky am I to make another revolution around the sun? So if you’re reading this, know that I appreciate you and your good vibes! My birthday, this trip, all the love coming my way could not have come at a better time, and I send that love and more right back to you! (Shout out to my good friend K for sending me a beautiful journal so I can write things that I can't write on this blog!!)

Entering 26 with a better, stronger sense of self and self-love. Life, for me, is all about learning new things, gaining experiences, and self growth. If I want to live a life I've never lived, then I have to do things I've never done. So even though there were down times, it doesn't make this experience less wonderful. I feel so lucky to have the people in my life, these experiences and where I am right now. I was *finally* ready to start reading the notebook my mom made me where she collected letters from the family. And the love was overwhelming - so THANK YOU to all of you for taking the time to write in it! Now I’m usually a robot and don’t like to get emotional but it really helped keep me grounded on who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.

Phew! That was a big moment of honesty and vulnerability so you’re welcome haha enough emotions for the next 10 years 😁 But seriously, I think it is important to share not just the up's (and they are way UP'S! 6 and 1/2 months in and time is flying!) and the down's.

Til next time!