Where I've Been

It’s bittersweet to read my last post; how I talk about self-love and perspective, self-awareness, etc, Only to find myself not too far from where I was when I turned 26.

So what happened since I last left you? It feels like so much and not at all.

Geographically, I’ve moved a couple places. Traveled to Thailand and Ireland. Professionally, I’ve also also moved. Personally, well I’m back where I started it feels like.

I’ll try to make sense of the last 3 years, at least for myself, if not for you. So after my last post when I turned 26, I went home, albeit for a short week period. It felt weird, like I saw this parallel life I could be living. Anyway, it was the first time home after moving to Kenya 7 months prior, and while I was glad I was home to reset and feel grounded, I’m also glad I was only there for a short time. Otherwise I would’ve probably gotten homesick and stayed. It was when I was at home, I said no more d*ck drama (yes duck drama hehe gotta keep this PG for my mom) because that’s not why I came to Kenya! And not even 24 hours after I stepped off the plane with this new “no-duck-drama” mentality, I started to fall in love for the second time in my life. No follow-up questions please.

While that was happening, my professional life was becoming stagnant, even though I didn’t realize it that time. At the end of 2018 (a year after I moved to Kenya), my boss put in his notice at Komaza. My boss who turned into a life-coach (or was I his life coach?) and friend was leaving me. While I had my frustrations at work, I grinned and bore it - much like I did at PwC. It was water off a duck’s back (a real actual duck this time guys - not as in duck drama). And he was going through his own frustrations and because I never said anything, we never talked about it with each other. I was silently looking to switch departments, and when I thought he found out, he actually beat me to the punch and said he put in his notice. He broke up with me before I could break up with him!!

And when I switched departments and he quit, I moved up the coast to Kilifi. Here I would like to say I had a ‘detox’ phase. Kilifi was, at least when I was there, a sleepy quiet beach town - 180 difference from Diani. Here my life slowed down a little, but it was also the start of the slow burn to a toxic phase in my life, a phase that ended just recently. 

Kilifi

Kilifi

Naivasha

At the end of 2019 (nearly two years later), I moved to Naivasha, Kenya, a 12 hour drive where I was in Kilifi. When I first joined Komaza, I was part of the Expansion team, but due to holding patterns in strategy (hence once of the reasons why my boss quit and I switched teams), that was on hold. But then the opportunity came up to be a part of the Expansion team, and for me this was a chance for me to come full circle and to finish what I first started - to give my job one last chance. Also, this was generally my attempt in trying to change up my toxic environment.

Moving to Naivasha has been one of my many blessings and it made me fall in love with the beauty that Kenya has to offer. Away from the beach, my backyard has seen hippos, giraffes, zebras, waterbucks, buffalo! I walk to neighbors' houses to pick fresh avocados from their trees! Life always has felt surreal in Kenya, but this was a whole other level.

And then I went back to the States, a year and a half later since my last trip, straight from the plane to see the birth of J!! (I was planning on surprising everyone but J beat me to it! People are always beating me to my surprises!!) And that was one of the most special experiences I got to be a part of in a long time!

Being home again in so long also felt strange in that familiar way the first time I went home. I saw the life I could have had if I stayed, and I missed it immediately even when I was home. I was sharing that feeling with someone here in Kenya who is also from the states, and she said I miss it when I’m home because deep down I know I’m leaving it. Anyways, I drown that feeling in food when I’m home - eating so much food I get sick and too full to move. And then I further drowned that feeling in wine country with my friend K in Paso Robles! And not too long after that, the pandemic happened.

2020 was a tough year all-around for everyone. For the world of course and so many families, fear of danger and illness, hate, etc. It was tough being away, with the lockdown and the US in flames. But Naivasha was tucked away from that. I was probably one of the few people that made friends during lockdown and got to experience the outdoors, water sports, camping etc. And when I was self-isolating (I ended up testing negative), I learned how to make so much Vietnamese food!!

               

It was the struggle of feeling so incredibly lucky but also guilty that everyone else was suffering or scared or trapped. In addition to that, I was going through ‘incremental toxicity’. I don’t know if that’s a real term, consult your doctor. There’s this analogy - a frog is in a pot. The pot is now getting boiled. The frog only attempts to get out when it realizes it’s too hot, but by then it's too late. The point here is that I was slowly getting accustomed to toxicity - professionally and personally. Because I wasn’t being paid enough despite my pushing back and being met with HR b.s, I started to think that was my actual value - which is not true at all.

Complacency is your enemy in life and I was getting complacent - using my social life to distract me from my unhappiness in my work and personal life. Using my work life to distract from my unhappiness in my personal life. Using my personal life to distract from my work life. At work, I was bored and frustrated, feeling undervalued and underpaid compared to my peers. In my relationship, I was doing everything to make my love hold two people. (Again, no follow up questions at this time please.) I was feeling undervalued in these big aspects of my life, while simultaneously feeling grateful and the luckiest girl in the whole world that my family and friends are safe and healthy; that I at least have a job with no salary freezes in this climate; that I live in a beautiful place.